Kevin Foster

We all do it. We meet someone new, and our minds instantly begin sorting them into a box. “The funny one.” “The serious one.” “The activist.” “The sports fan.” This process of categorisation is a fundamental part of how our brains manage a complex world. It’s a mental shortcut that lets us make quick predictions about how someone might think or behave.

But here’s the crucial, often missed, truth: When we interact with someone, we are not interacting with the actual person. We are interacting with our perception of them, the version we’ve placed inside our box.

Most of the time, this system works well enough. When we share a lot of common ground, similar cultures, experiences, or social norms, our assumptions have a higher chance of being accurate. We can communicate with ease because our maps of the world are drawn with similar symbols.

The problems begin when we encounter someone whose map is fundamentally different.

The Amplification in Groups: Ingroups and Outgroups

This dynamic doesn’t just stay between two people; it scales up to define our social groups. We naturally gravitate towards people who share our common ground, those who “get us” without constant explanation. These groups become our ingroups: spaces of low-conflict, efficient communication, and mutual understanding.

In the process of aligning with our ingroup, we unconsciously distance ourselves from those we perceive as different, the outgroups. We anticipate that interactions with them will be fraught with misunderstanding and conflict. This creates a vicious cycle: by avoiding them, we never get the chance to update our assumptions, and our boxes for them become more simplistic and stereotyped. Groups become echo chambers, reinforcing their own shared perceptions and deepening the divide with those outside.

The Autistic Experience: A Mismatch of Maps

For autistic people, this entire system is a constant source of struggle. The difficulty isn’t a lack of desire for connection, but a fundamental mismatch in the very foundations of “common ground.”

The unspoken rules that govern neurotypical social interaction, the subtle body language, the implied meanings, the prioritization of social harmony over blunt truth, are often a foreign language. Autistic communication, which tends to value precision, literal accuracy, and passionate deep dives into interests, is frequently misinterpreted through a neurotypical lens.

• A literal statement is seen as naive or pedantic.
• Averted eye contact (often a tool for managing sensory overload) is mistaken for dishonesty or disinterest.
• A passionate expression of a strong sense of justice is labelled as rigid or disruptive.

On a one-to-one basis, this leads to misunderstandings. But in a group setting, it becomes a perfect storm. The neurotypical majority, operating from a shared set of unconscious rules, will often quickly and unfairly categorize the autistic individual. Their authentic traits, honesty, a strong moral compass, a unique perspective, are pathologized. They are placed in boxes labelled “The Troublemaker,” “The Rude One,” or “The Socially Clueless.”

This is known as the Double Empathy Problem: the communication breakdown is mutual. The neurotypical group finds it just as difficult to understand the autistic individual as vice versa. The group, seeking to maintain its cohesion, will often side with the familiar neurotypical narrative, leaving the autistic person isolated and forced to either camouflage their true self (a exhausting process called masking) or be pushed to the sidelines.

Moving Beyond the Box: So, what’s the way forward? The goal cannot be to stop categorizing, it’s how our brains are wired. The solution is to become conscious of our boxes and hold them lightly.

Practice Metacognition: Actively ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making about this person? How might my ‘map’ be different from theirs?”

Choose Curiosity: Replace “I know what they’re like” with “I wonder what their experience is.” Seek to understand, not to confirm your pre-existing bias.

Value Neurodiversity: Recognize that different neurotypes, like autism, are not wrong, but different. The autistic perspective of directness, deep focus, and logical consistency is not a deficit; it’s a valuable and necessary way of being in the world.

Create Inclusive Spaces: Build groups and communities that consciously make room for different communication styles. Prioritize explicit, clear communication and welcome passionate debate.

True communication isn’t about finding people who are already in our box. It’s about the courageous and empathetic work of stepping outside our own, to meet someone else in the vast, unmapped territory between us. It’s there, and only there, that real connection begins.